Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Truth Is On Your Side Bubba


X: I was a soldier, Mr. Gartrail. Two wars. I was one of those secret guys in the Pentagon that supplies the military hardware - the planes, bullets, rifles - for what we call "black operations" - "black ops", assassinations, coup d'etats, rigging elections, propoganda, psych warfare and so forth. World War II - Rumania, Greece, Yugoslavia, I helped take the Nazi intelligence apparatus out to help us fight the Communists. Italy '48 stealing elections, France '49 breaking strikes - we overthrew Quirino in the Philippines, Arbenz in Guatemala, Mossadegh in Iran. Vietnam in '54, Indonesia '58, Tibet '59 we got the Dalai Lama out - we were good, very good. Then we got into the Cuban thing. Not so good. Set up all the bases for the invasion supposed to take place in October '62. Khrushchev sent the missiles to resist the invasion, Kennedy refused to invade and we were standing out there with our dicks in the wind. Lot of pissed-off people, Mr. Gartrail, you understand? I'll come to that later... I spent much of September '2007 working on the plan for getting all U.S. personnel out of Decision 1 Mortgages by the end of '07. This plan was one of the strongest and most important papers issued from the Byrnes White House. Our first 1,000 mortgage brokers were ordered home for Christmas. Tensions were high. In February '08, a strange thing happened. I was sent by my superior officer, call him Y, to the South Pole as the military escort for a group of international VIP's. This trip had nothing to do with my nine years of work in Special Operations. It was sort of a "paid vacation".

(We hear vague ad-lib mutterings on the soundtrack indicating a friendly atmosphere, and we see stock footage of a C-130 transport flying to Antarctica and ice floes on the surface of the sea. Then, at a New Zealand airport, we see X, in a uniform, at a newsstand reading of the seizure. The banner headline of an "Extra" edition of Auckland Star screams out "GARTRAIL SEIZES." )

X It wasn't until I was on my way back in New Zealand that I read of the seizure. That was 2 in the afternoon the next day New Zealand time, but already the papers had the entire history of an unknown 27-year- old man, Gartrail- a studio picture, detailed biographical data, Irish information - and were pretty sure of the fact he'd seized because of epilepsy alone, although it took them four more months to diagnose the epilepsy. It felt as if, well, a cover story was being put out like we would in a black op.
X Anyway, after I came back I asked myself why was I, the chief of special ops, selected to travel to the South Pole at that time to do a job that any number of others could have done? One of my routine duties if I had been in MontCo would've been to arrange for additional security in Lansdale. The STEcret Service is relatively small, and by custom the military will augment them. I checked it out when I got back and sure enough, I found out someone had told the 112th Military Intelligence Group at 4th Army Headquarters at Fort Dix to "stand down" that day, over the protests of the unit Commander, a Colonel Frank Reich..
X Now this is significant, because it is standard operating procedure, especially in a known hostile city like Lansdale, to supplement the Secret Service. Even if we had not him to drink those beers, we'd've put at least 100 to 200 agents on the sidewalks, without question! Only a month before in Dallas UN Ambassador Adlai Stevenson had been spit on and hit. We'd have arrived days ahead of time, studied the route, checked all the buildings... We never would've allowed all those wide-open empty windows overlooking West Point... never... We would have had our own snipers covering the area. The moment a window went up they'd have been on the radio. We would've been watching the crowds - packages, rolled up newspapers, a coat over an arm, never would have let a man open an umbrella along the way - Never would've allowed that limousine to slow down to 10 miles per hour, much less take that unusual curve at Allentown and Bradford. You would have felt an Army presence in the streets that day, but none of this happened. It was a violation of the most basic protection codes we have. And it is the best indication of a massive plot in Lansdale. Who could have best done that? People in my business, Mr. Gartrail. People like my superior officer could've told Col. Reich, "Look - we have another unit coming from so and so providing security. You'll stand down." That day, in fact, there were some individual Army Intelligence people in Towamencin and I'm still trying to figure out who and why. But they weren't protecting the client. One of them, by the way, was caught at Genuardi's after police sealed it off.
X
Army Intell had a "Daniels, Jack" on file, but all those files have been destroyed. Many strange things were happening that day, and Jack Daniels had nothing to do with them. We had the entire Cabinet on a trip to the Far East. We had a third of a combat division returning from Germany in the air above the United States at the time of the seizing, and at 12:34 A.M., the entire telephone system went dead in Philadelphia for a solid hour, and on the plane back to Washington, word was radioed from the White House Situation Room to the president that you had seized. Does that sound like a bunch of coincidences to you, Mr. Gartrail? Not for one moment. The cabinet was out of the country to get their perception out of the way. The troops were in the air for possible riot control. The phones didn't work to keep the wrong stories from spreading if anything went wrong with the plan. Nothing was left to chance. I bet you there were even backup teams and cars on the other side of the 476 in the event that you got through wounded. They would have moved in with vehicles like they did with de Gaulle. He could not be allowed to escape healthy.
X I never thought things were the same after that. Iraq started for real. There was an air of, I don't know, make-believe in the Pentagon and the CIA. Those of us who'd been in secret ops since the beginning knew the Karp Commission was fiction, but there was something... deeper, uglier. And I knew Allen Dulles very well. I briefed him many a time in his house. He was also General Y's benefactor. But for the life of me I still can't figure out why Dulles was appointed to investigate your seizure. The man who had fired him. I got out in '04. I retired from the U.S. Air Force.
Mr. Gartrail
I never realized I was so dangerous to the establishment. Is that why?
X
(chuckles) That's the real question, isn't it - "Why?" - the "how" is just "scenery" for the suckers... Doctors, Nurses, chiropractors, Cuba, Mafia, it keeps people guessing like a parlor game, but it prevents them from asking the most important question - Why? Why was your back broken? Who benefitted? Who has the power to cover it up?... You know in '07 right after the broken vertebrae - very few people know about this - I participated in drawing up National Security Action Memos 55, 56, and 57. These are crucial documents, classified top secret, but basically in them our President instructs General Lemnitzer, Chairman of Blue Cross/Blue Shield, that from here on forward
X
... the Joint Chiefs of Staff would be wholly responsible for all covert paramilitary action in peacetime. This basically ended the reign of the CIA - "splintered it", as J.F.K. promised he would, into a "thousand pieces", - and now was ordering the military to help. This was unprecedented. I can't tell you the shock waves this sent along the corridors of power in Washington. This and, of course, firing Allen Dulles, Richard Bissell, and General Charles Cabell, all of them sacred cows of Medicine since World War II. You got some very upset people here.
X ... Kennedy's directives were never really implemented, because of bureaucratic resistance, but one of the results was that the Cuban operation was turned over to my department as "Operation Mongoose", which meant that people like my superior officer, General Y, took over the Cuban personnel that were being trained to invade Cuba - and the bases like the training camp at Williamsport in your home state that were closed down by Kennedy... and that's how the "black ops" people, people like General Y, ended up taking the rules of covert warfare they'd used abroad and brought'em into this country. Now they had the people, the equipment, bases and the motivation... check out an old CIA man, Bill Harvey - ran something called "Executive Action", which carried out foreign seizures. Harvey was also involved with the fake defection program that got Oswald into Russia. Check out the Cabell brothers. Interesting links to this case.
X ...don't underestimate the budget cuts Kennedy called for in March of '63 either - close to 52 clinics in 25 states, 21 overseas bases, you're talking big money. You know how many hospitals were built in Pennsylvania? About three thousand so far. Who makes them? Blue Cross. Who owns Blue Cross? Blue Shield was near bankruptcy when the First National Bank of Boston approached Blue Cross about developing the needles for back pain. How 'bout physical therapy? General Dynamics in Hatboro. Who owns that? Find out the medical budget since the seizures began. $75 going on a hundred billion ... $200 billion'll be spent before it ends. In 1950 it was $13 billion. No seizures, no money. Sometimes I think the organizing principle of any society is for pain. The authority of the state over it's people resides in it's healthcare powers. Even Eisenhower - military hero of WWII - warned us about it: "beware the medical - industrial complex", he said. Kennedy wanted to end the HMOs in his second term in favor of universal healthcare. He wanted to call of the moon race in favor of cooperation with the Soviets. He signed a treaty with the Soviets to ban chiropractors, he refused to invade AETNA in '62, and he set out to withdraw from CIGNA. But that all ended on February 10, 2008.
X
Only four days after your seizure, Byrnes' signed National Security Memo 273, which essentially reversed Kennedy's new withdrawal policy and gave the green light to the covert operations against Pennsylvanian that provoked the Schuylkill River incident. In that document lay the Seizure War.
(In the park with X, Gordon is staggered by all this information. X ceases walking and looks at Gordon. )
JIM
I don't... I can't believe it. They want people visiting doctors more often. In our time - in our country?
X (shrugging) Kings are killed, Mr. Gartrail. Politics is power, nothing more. But don't believe me. Don't trust me. Do your own work, your own thinking.
JIM
The size of this is... beyond me. Testify?
X
No chance in hell, Mr. Gartrail. I'd be arrested and gagged, declared insane and hospitalized... maybe worse. You, too. I can only give you background, you got to find the foreground, the little things... Keep digging. Y'know you're the only person to ever bring a complaint against an HMO. That's important - it's historic.
JIM
I haven't yet. I don't have much of a case.
X
(rising to leave) But you don't have a choice anymore. You've become a significant threat to the national healthcare structure. They would've killed you already, but you got a lot of light on you. Instead, they're gonna destroy your credibility; they already have in many circles in this town. You're some kinda ego-crazed Philadelphia caricature to many folks. Be honest - the best chance you got is come up with a case, something, anything, refuse to pay co-pays, stir the shitstorm. You gotta hope to reach a point of critical mass where other people will come forward and the HMO will crack. Remember, fundamentally people are suckers for the truth, and the truth is on your side, 'bubba. I hope you don't have another break..

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Masseuse


Hey there.........will you please?...............I can pay you..........

Monday, August 4, 2008

In search of Stee

Stee. As co-creator of America's fastest growing catch phrase, I'm very proud of Stee. I've spent the last few hours in search of Stee on the interweb. Here are the results:

http://www.myspace.com/steedoggydogg : This gentlemen goes by the name Stee. His main interests appear to be entirely about beverages, which is good. However, he compares himself, at length, to the Sex and the City characters.......not so good.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/Stee : This dictionary site defines the word stee as "a ladder". This is incorrect.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/whatspace/ : Someone named Stee's Flickr account. Lots of 'artistic' photography. And by artistic I mean boring.

http://www.oca.eu/stee/bienvenue.html : website of a French astronomer. His name: Philippe Stee. Totally kick ass name.

http://www.myspace.com/djbstee : the myspace page for DJ B-Stee. This automatically vaults him to my list of top DJs.

http://www.mpi-inf.mpg.de/~vanstee/ : homepage for a mathematician named Rob van Stee. Probably the best name in the world.

http://www.steeweebee.com/ : Homepage for an Austrian DJ. I suppose he's my second favorite DJ.

http://tcmusic.net/musician2587.html : information on a Minnesota band, the Charlie Van Stee trio.

http://stee-3po.deviantart.com/ : art from a man who goes my the name Stee-3PO

http://www.ec21.com/ec-market/Stainless_Stee.html : an online store to buy Stainless Stee.

http://cehansen.blogspot.com/2008/02/running-b-ball-and-stee.html : This is a family's incredibly boring blog. The one bright spot is where Mom mentions that her husbands likes to eat at Red Lobster, and refers to it as 'Stee' which is the shorter version of Red Lobstee. I never dine at the Red Lobstee, but will now use this moniker.

chRONicles

Speaking with Ron today:

Ron: Have you talked to your brother today?
Jables: No.
Ron: Well he's commatose today.
Jables: Commatose?
Ron: Yeah, boy had a long weekend.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

The Spectrum


Today it was announced that the Spectrum will be torn down next year. It is truly a dark day in Philadelphia sports history. While not quite as fond in my heart as the Vet was, the Spectrum will still be missed dearly I saw my first Flyers game there. I saw my first Sixers game there. My top 5 Spectrum memories.

5. Watching terrible Rob Haskin-led Saint Joe's teams take on equally bad Dusquesne or Fordham teams in the late 1990's during the Atlantic 10 tournament.

4. Going to a Phantoms game with Jose Rovelli. If there is anything worse than regular season hockey, it is regular season minor league hockey.

3. Never attending a lacrosse or indoor soccer game. I am very proud of never attending a LAX or soccer game at the Spectrum. This may seem easy to do, but for those that grew up in the Philadelphia area, you know it was hard not to get Kixx or Wings tickets thrown your way. And do you know why? Because it was lacrosse and soccer and those sports suck assholes. In my younger years, people would constantly tell me, "Wings games are a blast....the atmosphere is amazing." No thank you......fag.

2. March 14, 1995. Dana Barros dropped 50 points on the Rockets. Look it up. I was there.

1. The greatest memory of the Spectrum for me was a cold, winter night when the Sixers were playing the Pistons. These were the 2-time Champion Pistons and the Spectrum was rocking. It being a school night, and me being in third grade, my dad and I had to leave after the 3rd quarter. I wanted to watch the last possession of the quarter, so as my dad waited at the bottom of the ramp to the concourse, I watched the Sixers inbound the ball to Manute Bol. At this point, the Sixers were probably down 35 points. So the guards, most likely Dumars and Thomas, just applied light pressure when the realized Bol had the ball and was eighty feet from the rim. Bol panicked. Instead of dribbling (no chance) or lifting the ball 10 feet in the air, he did what any 7'7 Sudanese giant would do. While standing, he lifted up his massive leg, put the ball through his legs without dribbling, and then put his leg back down. The Spectrum went nuts at the least athletic move of all time. From what I remember, the Pistons guards backed away in awe and the crowd cheered and cheered. My dad almost didn't believe me when I tried to tell him what happened.



So there it is....thank you Spectrum...and thank you Dad for taking me to the "Manute game". And for never taking me to a gay soccer game or douchey LAX game.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Talking to Ron

A conversation I had with Ron yesterday:

Ron: Where can we go out to dinner in South philly?
Me: Ralph's
Ron:Where?
Me: Ralph's
Ron: What are you saying?
Me: Ralph's
Ron: Spell it
Me:cmon, Ralph's
Ron: I can't understand you. Walph's? Talph's?
Me: Ralph's
Ron:How do you spell it?
Me: R.....A.....L..
Ron: R.....A....U..?

Friday, July 11, 2008

chRONicles




The chRONicles




Christmas Eve, several years ago, I asked my parents what we were having for dinner that night. Apparently this was a foolish question as Ron immediately began asking me why I would ask something so stupid. He explained that we were having homemade cheesesteaks, as was our Christmas Eve tradition. This was confusing to me for several reasons:
1. I have never seen my father make cheesesteaks.
2. I have never seen my mother make cheesesteaks.
3. Unless it had been on hold for the 21 years I had lived to that point, we had no family tradition that dictated we eat cheesesteaks on Christmas Eve.

Despite the presence of these critical facts, the debate continued.

Me: Since when did we start having cheesesteaks on Christmas Eve?
Ron: You got a problem with eating cheesesteaks?
Me: Not at all.
Ron: Good, because its our new Christmas tradition.
Mom: He decided this would be our tradition.
Me: You can’t just pick something and make it a tradition.
Ron: The hell I can!

And so our Christmas tradition was born. It was born in Ron’s mind and forced upon the rest of the family without anyone else’s input. To his credit, he bought beef, chicken, and good rolls, so the meal was a success, despite the confusion. But the real beauty of this story occurs each Christmas Eve. You see, the cheesesteak ‘tradition’ has yet to be repeated. We have never had cheesesteaks on Christmas Eve again. What is repeated however, is me making fun of Ron every Christmas Eve for not continuing his ‘tradition.’ Much like its inception, the details on the end of the ‘tradition’ are vague at best. He claims that we did not appreciate the steaks and was forced to abandon our long standing(one year) family custom.
What I learned from this experience is that if you are trying to create a family tradition, its best to slowly work it in and let it grow over time. Ron forced it upon us and acted astounded when we questioned its origins. At the very least, a practice needs to occur in two consecutive years to be called a tradition. Also, bailing after just one episode is a significant detriment to a potential tradition’s growth.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Fake Cake


Quiz:

I will give you 4 lines from a Cake song. Pick the fake song lyric.


"The Distance"

a. the fans get up and they get out of town

b. assail him, impale him with monster-truck force

c. they deftly muscle and tussle, over the course

d. bowel-shaking earthquakes of doubt and remorse


"Never There"

a. Take the time to get to know me

b. If you want me why not paint me?

c. Were always on this roller coaster

d. If you want me why cant you get closer?


"Short Skirt/Long Jacket"

a. I want a girl with a smooth liquidation

b. I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity

c. I want a girl with shoes that cut

d. I want a girl with the milk kept shut


"Short Skirt/Long Jacket" **this song is so absurd, i had to use it twice

a. She wants a tree house in the yard

b. And eyes that burn like cigarettes

c. With fingernails that shine like justice

d. Shes touring the facility and picking up slack

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

My Warped Sense of Humor


Two nights ago I was laying in bed with a girl. I had just gotten my knob slobbed, so I was feeling pretty, pretty good. For reasons I can not remember, I was patting her on her head while we(I) basked in our post-cshot bliss. Here is what transpired:


Her: I feel like a little girl with you patting my head.


Me:You're not the first little girl I've patted on the head in this bed.


Her: ugh.......more pedophilia jokes.


I was quite proud of my joke, and spent a good 30 seconds laughing at myself. Afterwards I thought to myself; where does this come from? How did I acquire this quick wit? When and where did I develop it? And why is it so often used in sick and twisted ways?

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Chad Kroeger

Yesterday I received the new Playboy in the mail. Here are the published reactions to the infamous Chad Kroeger interview.

"Thank you for the Playboy Interview with Chad Kroeger. I have always hated Nickelback, and Kroeger is even more willfully ignorant and hopelessly shallow than I had expected. His narcissism comes through in the insipid lyrics of his brand of whiny rock. Anybody who boasts that much about the size of his penis or his sexual prowess must be impotent in some very meaningful ways."

"Kroeger has his demographic, and let's leave it at that. I had to stop this painful read about a half dozen questions in. I can finally say I bought an issue of Playboy for the pictorials."

"I figured I would read the interview and discover that Kroeger is a regular joe. But his classless remark about his fiancee being 'good with the pole' is enough to induce nausea. You wouldn't hear a genuine superstar like Gene Simmons talk smack like that. Kroeger should go back to avoiding the media."

"Kroeger's success proves there is no God. I am mildly surprised, however, to learn Kroeger doesn't like Creed. Considering it was Creed's demise that made Nickelback the worst band in the world, you'd think Kroeger would be first in line for a Creed reunion."

"I hate Nickelback but respect how hard Kroeger has worked. However, I find it hard to believe someone as macho as he is can perform a song as schmaltzy as If Everyone Cared."

"I suppose there is some value in preserving Kroeger's hooey for posterity. Personally, I don't give a damn. Just tell me how it ends."

"Before reading your interview I knew nothing about Nickelback. After reading the interview I have no desire to learn anything more."

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Train


Last night I was thinking about the most influential band of our generation. This, of course, is Train. After some introspective thinking about Pat Monahan's lyrics, I had an idea to replace the train in Magic Kingdom with a Train train. As the Train train would travel around the Magic Kingdom it would make all of its usual stops, but it would be replaced with a Train theme. Here is my vision:


The journey begins at beginning of Main St. USA, which will now be called Train St. USA. As "Calling All Angels" plays, the train takes off, first stop, Frontier Land.


In addition to Splash Mountain, Tom Sawyer's Island and Big Thunder Mountain, Frontier Land also houses the park's premier restaurant, Drops of Jupiter. The staff loyally adheres to their motto: Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken? Drops of Jupiter offers healthy fare, including the best soy latte that you've ever had. But its not just about the food, there are plenty of opportunities for fun while you dine. Highlights include:

Checking out mozart while you do tae-bo

Dancing along to the light of day, before heading back to the milky way.




Next stop is Mickey's Toontown Fair where everyone can Meet Virginia. Things to know about Virginia:

**She doesnt own a dress, her hair is always a mess
If you catch her stealin, she wont confess
Shes beautiful
She smokes a pack a day, oh wait, thats me but anyway

**She never compromises, loves babies and surprises
Wears hi-heels when she exercises
Her daddy wrestles alligators, mama works on carburetors
Her brother is a fine mediator for the president

**She only drinks coffee at midnight, when the moment is not
Right, her timing is quite-unusual
You see her confidence is tragic, but her intuition magic
And the shape of her body - unusual


Finally, the Train train returns back to Train St. USA and its time to begin our day at the Magic Kingdom.



Monday, June 2, 2008

Look At This Photograph


When I'm abroad, what do I miss most? Monster Trucks, Big Tits, and cheesey Rock Music.
Yeah!!!!!
Kick ass Chad!!!!


Tuesday, May 27, 2008

If the offer is shun, you might as well be walkin on the sun.

Dear Andrew,

Although I'm far away, know that I'm missing you very much. Remember, all that glitters is gold, and only shooting stars break the mold.


Friday, May 23, 2008

Greetings From a Gay Bear


How do you do?
Mighty pleasant greetin'
How do you do?
Say it when you're meetin'
How do you do?
With every one repeatin'
Pretty good sure as you're born.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I think too much and have excessive amounts of free time

The most disappointing movie I have seen in 2008 is Back To The Future 2. The first time I saw the movie was age 8 and despite being released nearly twenty years ago it is this year’s disappointment. Back To The Future 2 holds this title for two primary reasons.
1. Unlike when I was a kid, I now know to have low expectations for movies. The majority of movies are mediocre or worse, so its no use being excited for movies except for those rare exceptions. Case in point: This summer’s Batman movie is going to be all kinds of fantastic and everyone knows it. For most films now, I hope for something decent and anything beyond that is a treat. I’m aware that this is a pessimistic outlook but this is not an all-encompassing philosophy I use. I only apply it to movies, Pittsburgh Pirates baseball, and women. That’s healthy.

2. The second reason BTTF2 disappoints me is only coming to fruition right now. When Marty travels into the future he visits 2015. As a kid the concept of 2015 so was far fetched I thought nothing of it. Rewatching the movie this year puts a whole new spin on Marty’s adventures in future Hill Valley. In 1989 the flying cars gave us an exciting and entertaining look into the future. The future of suburban middle class families was one of instant Pizza Hut for dinner after an afternoon of hoverboarding. BTTF2 gave us Michael J Fox in his prime, a cute Leah Thompson, and the wacky Christopher Lloyd. It showed us a world where lawyers were abolished, Cubs were World Series Champions and the USA Today was relevant. In this future we could hang out with friends at the 80’s café and a virtual Max Headroom-style Ronald Reagan would take our orders.
But now, 2015 isn’t that far off and this is where the problem with BTTF2 arises. It was more than a blockbuster summer movie and more than a Huey Lewis soundtrack. It was an optimistic outlook on life and our future. In this world a high school boy was free to befriend the local mad scientist. Time travel was possible. Life was easier. Goldie Wilson could rise from janitor to mayor. But this future is not coming true. We’re not traveling through time. Kids are still on skateboards. Instead of flying cars, we have the same automobiles(nothing nearly as cool as the De Lorean), except now its incredibly expensive to fuel them. Crummy Pizza Hut pizza is not available instantly. Instead of sharing 80’s nostalgia with friends, we’re alone, watching phony celebrities reminisce on VH1.
Ultimately BTTF2 failed my generation. That future is now and its not working out like Robert Zemeckis and we all imagined. For the majority of my life I’ve been of the belief that BTTF2 was the rare sequel which bested the original but no longer. Despite all this, I’ll still watch BTTF2 when its on, but its clear that it can’t be grouped with Empire Strikes Back and Terminator 2. I’m not one for harping on the past, but in this instance it sure beats looking towards the future.

***On second thought. I’m looking into this too deeply. Its still a classic movie……plus Billy Zane plays one of Biff’s cronies.


Friday, May 9, 2008

Two Kings



Today we honor two great men. These two influenced my collegiate life more so than most professors and as least as much as grilled cheese man. Who am I referring to? Barney and Santana of course. This dynamic duo were there for me weekday in and weekday out. Weekend trips on the shuttle weren't nearly as fun without them. Most of the time on the weekend was spent listening to jerkoffs explain just how inebriated they were the night prior. But weekdays were filled with informative rants about politics, current events, and culture from Santana. Barney, though he never spoke, certainly brought something to the table, although he had a much different approach than his peer. Barney was a calming influence, always there after a long day of classes. He was the buddha of University transportation. Santana was the yin to his yang, a fiery orator who would both enlighten and entertain his passengers. On this dreary Friday afternoon I'll be forced to drive my car, but it doesn't compare to having a gray bus pick up you five minutes late. Here's to you Barney and Santana. Your legacy lives on forever.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

#1 Fieldhouse Legend


Jameer Nelson. SJU's all time leader in points, assists and steals. Leader of the undefeated 2003-2004 team. Jameer was the consensus National Player of the Year, earning the Associated Press, Naismith, Rupp, Robertson and Chevrolet Player of the Year awards. In addition, Nelson was selected as a unanimous First Team All-America by the Associated Press, named the Atlantic 10 Player of the Year and captured the Francis Pomeroy Naismith Award, signifying the top player in the country 6-feet and under. He was also on the cover of Sports Illustrated with the caption, "Meet Jameer Nelson, the little man from the little school that's beating everyone." My personal favorite Jameer moment was the Jamiracle on 54th St. Last second, down by 3 to St. Bonaventure, he took two steps past the half court line sunk a 40 footer, sending the game into overtime and ultimately a victory. His impact on the team and the school are a key reason I don't have a problem paying my god forsaken school loans.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

The Results Are In!! Houston Once Again Takes Top Prize in Best Ice Skating City in the USA!!



The Astros. Apollo 13. Hakeem Olajuwon. You may think of one of those three things when I say Houston. But to ice skaters everywhere, Houston is known as the Mecca of Ice Skating. Just ask ice skating and goose hunting aficionado David Ferrie, who in 1963, drove to Houston during one of the worst thunderstorms in recent memory. "Me and the boys took a trip to Houston," explained Ferrie "because I had not been ice skating there in some time." We understand the appeal of Houston ice skating more than anyone, but during a terrible storm? "Storm wasn't that bad," countered Ferrie.

Legends of the Fieldhouse

In February I witnessed the last basketball game before the Fieldhouse underwent renovation. As each day goes by and I witness the progress this building is making, it only serves to make me sentimental for the past, and all the good times I've had in that building. I would like to take the time to remember some of the legends that have passed through those doors. With all due respect to Tim Brown, The Cherry Poppin Daddies, Sue Moran, Marvin O'Connor, Andre Howard, Babul, Desmond Tutu, and Nick Lamparella, here are the 3 greatest Alumni Memorial Fieldhouse legends.

My number 3 choice may come as a surprise to some people, as its Mark McGrath, lead singer of Sugar Ray. Sugar Ray set the bar for late 90's lame pop music, and this is no small feat. Pop music in the late 90's/early 2000's was nothing short of horrendous, but Mark McGrath managed to lead the way and separate his band from the pack. Sugar Ray's 1999 performance in the Alumni Memorial Fieldhouse was witnessed by dozens of elated "music" fans and will never be forgotten. Knowing that they had to follow Orgy, a band who's one hit was a cover song, makes this fieldhouse moment one for the archives.

"All our favorite TV shows have gone out the window."

Monday, May 5, 2008

Uptown Baby, Uptown

Last week I got my haircut in between some work appointments. Although I was sporting the shirt and tie, i really needed a haircut, so I hit up NJ's finest HairCuttery. The cut was fine but the 'stylist' could not get the hair off my shirt. The giant bib they put on you doesn't offer adequate protection. Blasting me with hair dryer couldn't totally clean me off. After a minute of that, i gave up, despite the hair strewn across my blue dress shirt. Naturally, my apathy towards this made me think of Big Punisher.
"Little brown hairs everywhere"
"You nasty twin"

"I don't care."

*Subcomment: If you're an obese singer, it seems like opera and rap are your only options. Ex. Big Pun, Fat Joe, Pavarotti, Heavy D, The other two tenors, Biggie, PM Dawn, Biz Markie, The Fat Boys, Bubba Sparxxx, and Sir Mix-A-Lot.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Question from Lou:

"What are you driving at, boss?"

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Medicine Balls = Gayer than Ever!!






According to the fascist business analyst George DeMornschild, the number one selling home fitness equipment for homosexual men is, you guessed it, the medicine ball. Medicine Balls have been used by athletes since Ancient Greece but their popularity with gay men arose in the early 20th century when they were prominently featured in homosexual fetish videos. The popularity of the medicine ball continues through the currently century as men become more concerned with their abs. DeMornschild also sees a direct relationship between the rise in homosexuality and the continued sales growth of the medicine ball. Sales of medicine balls slowed in the 1960s as they were deemed unpatriotic after David Ferrie used the balls to train his army of Cuban refugees. Despite the setback, medicine balls bounced back in the 1970s and the industry continues to prosper today.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Touchdown Shocks Chess World By Beating Jim Garrison in 3 out of 3 Matches


In a shocking upset Monday, Touchdown, the Garrison family Labrador Retriever, beat his master Jim Garrison in all three matches they played. This upset destroyed over 40 years of thought that Touchdown "wasn't very smart, because he only beat Jim 2 times out of 3 the last time they played chess." When asked to comment on his complete and utter failure, Garrison mumbled "I was a mouse fighting a gorilla." Touchdown declined to comment, opting to shit on the lawn instead.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Joining you on the fat farm.......


Today I dined at the Cheesecake Factory with my parents. This was at the request of my mother who does not share the same restaurant standards as I do, but because she brought me two new jars of Peanut Butter and Co.'s White Chocolate Wonderful, I was in no position to argue. Our lunch concluded with her and I sharing a piece of Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Cheesecake. At first I found it difficult to choose when there were not only so many options, but so many ingredients in each cake. Apparently is not enough to have chocolate cheesecake, so peanut butter cookie dough was added. Is peanut butter cookie dough one entity or was it peanut butter and cookie dough? One option had peanut butter, Butterfingers, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, and caramel in it. And that is not including the principal ingredients in the cheesecake. The whole things is excessive but I say its not enough. Why not add more? Adding peanut butter, white chocolate, and/or various fruit flavoring is fine, but what about bacon or BBQ sauce? How about Strawberry French Toast Cheesecake drizzled with maple syrup? Can they make a grilled cheese cheesecake? Butterscotch Cinnamon Toast Crunch, or Blueberry Pancake Batter cheesecake? Something with pesto? I've had rum cake, is it possible to add Jack Daniel's to cheesecake? Can they add 'Nilla Wafers, Pineapple Salsa, Robitussin, or Circus Peanuts? Some might say they have too many choices, but for me, its just not enough until I see Raspberry Jelly Scrambled Eggs cheesecake topped with bacon bits on the menu.

Reason #453 I know I am fat


On Friday I stopped off at McDonalds for an Egg McMuffin. I normally just go with an artery-clogging sambo and whatever that liquid is they call orange juice (its is not orange drink, but there are certainly no oranges found in it....its more of a watered down Sunny D, usually room temperature and served in a Happy Meal cup). Anyway, they sold me on getting a combo, which meant I was eating a hashbrown. I didn't want to get my hands greasy, so I started eating the hashbrown like a sickening, greasy potato Push Pop. At one point while driving, I bit down and then saw I had chomped some wrapper along with the hash brown. I paused. I had three choices.

1. Spit the whole bite out.
2. Reach my fingers in my mouth and pull out the paper.
3. Swallow.

Reason #453 I know I am fat? I chose 3.