Monday, April 28, 2008

Touchdown Shocks Chess World By Beating Jim Garrison in 3 out of 3 Matches


In a shocking upset Monday, Touchdown, the Garrison family Labrador Retriever, beat his master Jim Garrison in all three matches they played. This upset destroyed over 40 years of thought that Touchdown "wasn't very smart, because he only beat Jim 2 times out of 3 the last time they played chess." When asked to comment on his complete and utter failure, Garrison mumbled "I was a mouse fighting a gorilla." Touchdown declined to comment, opting to shit on the lawn instead.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Joining you on the fat farm.......


Today I dined at the Cheesecake Factory with my parents. This was at the request of my mother who does not share the same restaurant standards as I do, but because she brought me two new jars of Peanut Butter and Co.'s White Chocolate Wonderful, I was in no position to argue. Our lunch concluded with her and I sharing a piece of Chocolate Peanut Butter Cookie Dough Cheesecake. At first I found it difficult to choose when there were not only so many options, but so many ingredients in each cake. Apparently is not enough to have chocolate cheesecake, so peanut butter cookie dough was added. Is peanut butter cookie dough one entity or was it peanut butter and cookie dough? One option had peanut butter, Butterfingers, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups, and caramel in it. And that is not including the principal ingredients in the cheesecake. The whole things is excessive but I say its not enough. Why not add more? Adding peanut butter, white chocolate, and/or various fruit flavoring is fine, but what about bacon or BBQ sauce? How about Strawberry French Toast Cheesecake drizzled with maple syrup? Can they make a grilled cheese cheesecake? Butterscotch Cinnamon Toast Crunch, or Blueberry Pancake Batter cheesecake? Something with pesto? I've had rum cake, is it possible to add Jack Daniel's to cheesecake? Can they add 'Nilla Wafers, Pineapple Salsa, Robitussin, or Circus Peanuts? Some might say they have too many choices, but for me, its just not enough until I see Raspberry Jelly Scrambled Eggs cheesecake topped with bacon bits on the menu.

Reason #453 I know I am fat


On Friday I stopped off at McDonalds for an Egg McMuffin. I normally just go with an artery-clogging sambo and whatever that liquid is they call orange juice (its is not orange drink, but there are certainly no oranges found in it....its more of a watered down Sunny D, usually room temperature and served in a Happy Meal cup). Anyway, they sold me on getting a combo, which meant I was eating a hashbrown. I didn't want to get my hands greasy, so I started eating the hashbrown like a sickening, greasy potato Push Pop. At one point while driving, I bit down and then saw I had chomped some wrapper along with the hash brown. I paused. I had three choices.

1. Spit the whole bite out.
2. Reach my fingers in my mouth and pull out the paper.
3. Swallow.

Reason #453 I know I am fat? I chose 3.